Out of Tune

CW: rambling.

Vain Hope

I have always felt out of tune with the world, hoping against hope that this may change some day, while knowing with certainty that it never will. Never has.

Silence

Never has. Some four years ago I wrote a collection of erotic stories which I self-published on Amazon, under a pseudonym. After a deafening lack of interest, I pulled them and gave up on the idea. I had eventually reworked one or two of them for this blog, when a weekly prompt seemed to match. The rest will likely join the pile of drafts.

Drafts

The drafts. Like many, I have started, and eventually abandoned, more than one blog. On each one there are drafts in double digits. More drafts than published posts. I am afraid to let them out.

Fear

Why afraid? I do not promote what I write. Submitting a post for a prompt is as far as it goes. Anything more than that feels like imposing onto the world. Same reason why I don’t reach out for support even when in need of one. I don’t want to impose myself on anyone. I do get compliments at times though. They do feel nice.

Compliments

The compliments feel like helium balloons. Empty inside, but nice to hold, until they float away. And I do get a healthy dose of compliments here, more than I had expected, to be honest. Puppet, a.k.a. DeviantSuccubus, sometimes tells me something like “You are a fantastic writer!” You, the real sex bloggers, also praise my writing at times. The words don’t get through, but they do feel nice. Given that I had never learned to write more than passably in my native tongue and wasn’t fluent in English up until moving into an English-speaking country after turning thirty, a compliment on my writing from people whose writing style I admire give me some of that coveted validation. Or at least an illusion of one.

Illusions

It’s all illusions. In all of my blogs there were moments where I believed, if only for a short time. When I felt on a cusp of something. And then it ended. The cusp turned out to be a precipice. Speaking of endings.

Ending

I’ll tell you a secret. The last act makes the film. Wow them in the end, and you’ve got a hit. You can have flaws, problems, but wow them in the end, and you’ve got a hit. Find an ending, but don’t cheat, and don’t you dare bring in a deus ex machina. Your characters must change, and the change must come from them. Do that, and you’ll be fine.

— Robert McKee, Adaptation

And even though nothing will change, there is still hope, the hope for a better ending this time around, the hope not to go gently into the good night.

#F4TFriday
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Comments

  1. May More

    I really admire your writing and will continue to read your blog – I understand that helium balloon feeling myself but the compliments I give about your work are genuine. IMO you have a way with words, that is a talent 😉

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  2. Marie Rebelle

    Like you, I have self-published twice before, and it didn’t work, so I am now too getting those stories ready for my blog… I self-published because I wanted to be read, and at least those stories will get some kind of attention when published on my blog…

    Rebel xox

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      Master's Musings

      “Do not give up” is the most common advice writers get, isn’t it? And it does work sometimes. Well, actually not just writers, and it’s not quite advice. More like a quote from Yoda, “Do, or do not. There is no try.” Nice to know that people whose writing and achievements I admire can relate! It’s inspiring to see that it is possible to get read even after several failed attempts. I would never try again without DS urging me, though. Encouragement and support are so essential for most of us.

  3. Lexy

    Well, I really love the way you wrote THIS. It’s beautifully organized, poetic, very clear, and certainly the English is precise. There’s something about the sections and the way you follow a thread through this that really works for me. Thanks for sharing.

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      Master's Musings

      Thank you, Lexy! Your reply is one of those rare ones that feel so right and validating! You have mentioned the exact things I was paying attention to when rewriting this post from a rambling stream of consciousness into something I would not be ashamed to post. Thank you so much!

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  4. Jupiter Grant

    What Deevie says is true; you are a fantastic writer. There’s a real creativity in your work that is intriguing, and compels the reader to come closer into your narrative as you weave the story. I’m glad that we get to read your work through your blog. 🌷

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  5. Posy Churchgate

    I enjoyed this, your composition style cut to the heart of things, more note-y than usual blogging fodder and (probably) the better for it.

    I am a praise junkie, so the likes and feedback I get from my blog are like food and water to me, but often they are ‘airy’ and feel insubstantial – my imposter syndrome won’t let me believe them, so I get what you’re saying, but please listen to DS and keep going. You have an audience here, we enjoy your words and your PoV.

    My only real complaint is when you refer to us as ‘the real sex bloggers’ as if Devie wasn’t one. I think you meant you don’t trusted her judgement as impartial because she loves you and looks up to you. I have to emphasise she is a sex blogger as real as the rest of us, as real as you too!

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      Master's Musings

      Thank you, Posy! First, sorry I was unclear in my post, I do count DS as a real sex blogger, just not myself, not really. Like so many, I am a harsh judge of my own work, and only a few posts are at the level I am happy with, some I deem passable enough to let out into the wild, others get trashed after having been written, and the rest languish in the limbo of the Drafts pile, never to be birthed. And the few posts that I am proud of, like Cored, are not really focused on sex, hence “not a real sex blogger”. Still, the appreciation, praise and the urging of my partner force me to continue. So, thanks again, Posy!

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