I have always felt out of tune with the world, hoping against hope that this may change some day, while knowing with certainty that it never will. Never has.
Never has. Some four years ago I wrote a collection of erotic stories which I self-published on Amazon, under a pseudonym. After a deafening lack of interest, I pulled them and gave up on the idea. I had eventually reworked one or two of them for this blog, when a weekly prompt seemed to match. The rest will likely join the pile of drafts.
The drafts. Like many, I have started, and eventually abandoned, more than one blog. On each one there are drafts in double digits. More drafts than published posts. I am afraid to let them out.
Why afraid? I do not promote what I write. Submitting a post for a prompt is as far as it goes. Anything more than that feels like imposing onto the world. Same reason why I don’t reach out for support even when in need of one. I don’t want to impose myself on anyone. I do get compliments at times though. They do feel nice.
The compliments feel like helium balloons. Empty inside, but nice to hold, until they float away. And I do get a healthy dose of compliments here, more than I had expected, to be honest. Puppet, a.k.a. DeviantSuccubus, sometimes tells me something like “You are a fantastic writer!” You, the real sex bloggers, also praise my writing at times. The words don’t get through, but they do feel nice. Given that I had never learned to write more than passably in my native tongue and wasn’t fluent in English up until moving into an English-speaking country after turning thirty, a compliment on my writing from people whose writing style I admire give me some of that coveted validation. Or at least an illusion of one.
It’s all illusions. In all of my blogs there were moments where I believed, if only for a short time. When I felt on a cusp of something. And then it ended. The cusp turned out to be a precipice. Speaking of endings.
I’ll tell you a secret. The last act makes the film. Wow them in the end, and you’ve got a hit. You can have flaws, problems, but wow them in the end, and you’ve got a hit. Find an ending, but don’t cheat, and don’t you dare bring in a deus ex machina. Your characters must change, and the change must come from them. Do that, and you’ll be fine.
— Robert McKee, Adaptation
And even though nothing will change, there is still hope, the hope for a better ending this time around, the hope not to go gently into the good night.